Hello and welcome to another exciting edition of our small town rag! Today we’re going to be covering the protests happening here in our own humble county of Sanborn!
What’s that you ask? Are these protests related to the ones happening nationwide as we speak?
No, these are some home-grown good old fashioned riots! Our mayor has once again been caught with the crack pipe and ordering his police chief to beat down his dealer for raising the price of goods.
The good citizens of Sanborn immediately organized into two competing camps, one who felt this obvious abuse of power was wrong and should be punished, the other in full support of his stance on the price of crack. Both sides immediately began burning everything that could not be easily looted, including cop cars and food trucks that were not serving what the agitated crowds were in the mood for.
Sanborn’s history is filled to the brim with riots and the use of fire as a political statement, as our towns have been razed to the ground on three separate occasions. One might compare our passionate citizenry to the Alexandrians of antiquity, who were so rambunctious they were considered an essential part of the city’s military capability!
Coincidentally, all three major blazes shared a cause: rampant malfeasance in our local polity’s office. Yes, mayoral corruption is indeed as dear a tradition to our county as rampant mob violence. We love our traditions, here!
This all has come at a very opportune time for the business and real estate owners in our county, as our newest business partner is offering a little protection from the inevitability of entropic violence. No, not the mob – they long gave up on our little corner of paradise.
I am, of course, talking about insurance! Specifically, the Santa Monica State Farm agent that everyone loves, Byron Galindo. He can insure your property, business, and life in the event of sudden and total chaotic violence breaking out, which, let’s face it, is pretty inevitable at this point.
Emotions are still running pretty high despite 5 straight days of pillaging. The competing factions in the town have hunkered down in their respective zones of control, with the Justice crowd singing and dancing in the streets and the Price Gouger group milling about alternating frenetically between destruction and cleaning interspersed with 17 hour naps in their dilapidated abandoned building of choice.
Once night descends, so too do the mobs to the contested zone comprising Main Street, with its beautiful historic buildings frequently falling prey to the unchecked id of the mob. The unknowing job creators are certainly making the janitorial and real estate firms rub their palms with glee, as they’ve been eyeing the location for quite a while for redevelopment. Goodbye beautiful locally owned shops and businesses, hello luxury high rise condos!
Luckily, you may be able to save your livelihood from the liveliness of the mob. Get insurance with Byron – seriously, just get insurance. The cops here have raised up the blue-striped flag and are randomly beating people rather than save the buildings from the rampage, so you’re probably going to need it.
Byron Galindo Insurance
214 Pier Avenue Santa Monica, CA 90405-5423