Beautifying the Sanborn Landscape!

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Beautifying the Sanborn Landscape!

Good morning, Sanbornians! Your ever-faithful reporter is BACK for another addition of this top selling county rag!

Today, we’re going to be talking about how to make Sanborn a little more beautiful, as many in our county are tired of what’s quickly becoming known as our ‘opioid crisis chic’ county aesthetic. Yes, rampant globalization has had its effects on the citizenry here and effectively destroyed most of our productive capacity, turning a once prosperous part of the country into a de facto shantytown, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have some pride in our appearance!

To these ends, a new company has decided to take our invitation (and substantial tax incentive) and set up shop in our humble little hamlet. That company is the Mission Hills-based Torrey Pines Landscaping Company, one of southern California’s premier landscape design and construction firms!

Just take a look at the Google review from Julie and Bob Engler, who utilized Torrey Pines for their landscaping projects in their La Jolla home:

Torrey Pines is the 4th company , starting over 10 years ago, we have had for landscapers.  We had two mow & blow companies, and one other professional company but weren’t happy.  TP fantastic.  Our site supervisor is a true horticulture expert, the employees have an educational 1/2 day every other week, we NEVER have to worry about anything and our 1 acre+ of landscaping is a joy and pleasure.  They just did a major needed driveway and retaining wall replacement; they are excellent hardscape contractors as well.  They asked to copy and paste the note I sent them, but it wasn’t sufficient to communicate the quality of their work. 

Hi Torrey Pines guys,

                Thank you for doing such a wonderful job on our wall, driveway, and landscape.  The replacement landscape is growing in beautifully.  We want to tell you how much we are enjoying how wonderful and professional it all looks.  Special thanks to Mark who suggested we get a bid and consider the project.  Please pass on our thanks to the crew who did such a wonderful job, especially the incredible brick work; a work of art.

Thank you,

Julie and Bob

If that doesn’t get you excited for a new exterior for your home, I don’t know what will! And to the 35% of Sanbornians who have been made homeless due to successive economic crises caused by repressive governmental policies and destructive trade agreements over the last 30 years, think of all of the gorgeous yards you get to squat in for the foreseeable future!

Many have been both surprised and frightened at the pace of rewilding of Sanborn since these mass evictions as well – the woods seem to overtake entire neighborhoods almost overnight. The more brave Sanbornians who still emerge from their homes at night have also noted that they can almost hear the plants growing, the sound of crackling wood and rustling vegetation growing so loud that they are overcome with a sense of overwhelming dread. To help fight back against the revenge of the forest, new landscapers are the perfect warriors!

If you’re interested in making your neighborhood just a little bit brighter and more beautiful and fighting back against the encroachment of the wood, give Torrey Pines a call. They may be your last chance!

Torrey Pines Landscaping Company

(858) 454-1433

5560 Eastgate Mall, San Diego, CA 92121


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Sanborne County Announces Ban On Grass-Based Landscaping

Hello once again, Sanbornians! Wild news is coming out of the county board of commissioners – in an attempt to cut down on massive wildfires and help fight the dangers associated with global warming, the county has officially put a ban on all forms of grass for use in landscaping!

The county board, who was recently elected in an emergency vote after the previous board was wiped out to a man by the recent coronavirus epidemic, has a number of interesting characters on it. Paul Paulson, a local man, has just returned from years abroad working with the international organization Green Peace, and was last seen before his return to Sanborne in a YouTube video depicting the group firing upon a Japanese whaling vessel with small arms.

Another, Moonbeam TreeWhisp of the Forest Clan, previously known as Margaret Anderson, has been living in the local Sanborne Woods for the past 80 years. Records giving details of her birth no longer exist thanks to the great Arson Spree of 1953, and her given name was only found thanks to a great grand niece providing a picture to this humble publication. Strangely, her appearance has not changed at all since her departure into the wood, which has become famous over the years for the number of hikers disappearing into its depths, never to be seen again.

The board has dictated quite strict measures to ensure this ordnance is followed – any persons found in violation are to be arrested and brought to the local town square to be flogged. Community attendance of these corporal punishments is mandatory, with the punishment for truancy being arrest and public flogging. The punishment for continued violations have not been publicly disclosed, but reports of citizens being hustled off into the woods late at night by mysterious cloaked figures have begun popping up all over the county.

For those concerned citizens who are now wondering how they will maintain the verdant green yards they have been working for years to cultivate, we have some tips and pointers!

The local quarry has been increasing production since the government allowed the continuance of operations after they uncovered the ancient subterranean gateway. Workers have been helpfully provided with noise-cancelling headphones to block out the previously reported screams emanating from the mysterious artifact, and have been providing a great deal of colorful crushed rocks which can be used for yard cover with a tasteful mix of shrubbery and other greenery.

For a more modern solution, we recommend the use of artificial grass. Luckily, a new company has been added to the county directory which can help those of us who choose to hurriedly rip out our natural grass and make plans for an artificial turf installation as a substitute. That company is the southern California-based NoMow Turf, who has been providing Orange County residents with environmentally friendly alternatives to natural grass since 2005.

If you are looking to stay on the straight and narrow and NOT be publicly beaten, we highly recommend you check out our county’s newest business partner. Your family’s safety will be secured, and you won’t have to go without the green lawn you’ve grown to love.

No Mow Turf

(866) 679-4863

26674 Vista Terrace, Lake Forest, CA 92630