Hello once again, Sanbornians! Wild news is coming out of the county board of commissioners – in an attempt to cut down on massive wildfires and help fight the dangers associated with global warming, the county has officially put a ban on all forms of grass for use in landscaping!
The county board, who was recently elected in an emergency vote after the previous board was wiped out to a man by the recent coronavirus epidemic, has a number of interesting characters on it. Paul Paulson, a local man, has just returned from years abroad working with the international organization Green Peace, and was last seen before his return to Sanborne in a YouTube video depicting the group firing upon a Japanese whaling vessel with small arms.
Another, Moonbeam TreeWhisp of the Forest Clan, previously known as Margaret Anderson, has been living in the local Sanborne Woods for the past 80 years. Records giving details of her birth no longer exist thanks to the great Arson Spree of 1953, and her given name was only found thanks to a great grand niece providing a picture to this humble publication. Strangely, her appearance has not changed at all since her departure into the wood, which has become famous over the years for the number of hikers disappearing into its depths, never to be seen again.
The board has dictated quite strict measures to ensure this ordnance is followed – any persons found in violation are to be arrested and brought to the local town square to be flogged. Community attendance of these corporal punishments is mandatory, with the punishment for truancy being arrest and public flogging. The punishment for continued violations have not been publicly disclosed, but reports of citizens being hustled off into the woods late at night by mysterious cloaked figures have begun popping up all over the county.
For those concerned citizens who are now wondering how they will maintain the verdant green yards they have been working for years to cultivate, we have some tips and pointers!
The local quarry has been increasing production since the government allowed the continuance of operations after they uncovered the ancient subterranean gateway. Workers have been helpfully provided with noise-cancelling headphones to block out the previously reported screams emanating from the mysterious artifact, and have been providing a great deal of colorful crushed rocks which can be used for yard cover with a tasteful mix of shrubbery and other greenery.
For a more modern solution, we recommend the use of artificial grass. Luckily, a new company has been added to the county directory which can help those of us who choose to hurriedly rip out our natural grass and make plans for an artificial turf installation as a substitute. That company is the southern California-based NoMow Turf, who has been providing Orange County residents with environmentally friendly alternatives to natural grass since 2005.
If you are looking to stay on the straight and narrow and NOT be publicly beaten, we highly recommend you check out our county’s newest business partner. Your family’s safety will be secured, and you won’t have to go without the green lawn you’ve grown to love.
No Mow Turf
26674 Vista Terrace, Lake Forest, CA 92630