Author Archives: LocalEditor

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SANBORN COUNTY FORCIBLY IMPORTS THOUSANDS OF IMMIGRANTS IN NEW ECONOMIC INITIATIVE

Historic news, Sanbornians! As part of a nation-wide effort to settle tens of thousands of immigrants and refugees, the county board has taken the initiative and ensured that our little slice of America is shared with those new arrivals looking to take part in the American dream!

They primarily did this through various schemes and trickery, advertising our sleepy county as ‘the one where New York City/Los Angeles/Chicago is!’ Once the migrants were safely entrapped on our newly refurbished coach buses, there were no stops, breaks, or complaints about conditions allowed until they were unceremoniously dumped within county lines.

I’m sure you all have seen them: scared, confused strangers milling about on the street, many looking back and forth at postcards featuring gleaming skyscrapers and the dilapidated mills and factories that surround them with a consternated look on their faces. Coming to a new country sure can be a scary time, but I’m confident in our ability to make them feel welcome!

Now, some of the more ‘conservative’ citizens in our county may be questioning the legal status of these new Sanbornians, as well as the legality of our board’s methods in transporting them here in the first place. While the latter question may be currently being decided in a historically ugly court case, those members of the community concerned about the former can rest easy thanks to our newest business partner setting up shop in town!

K Nair Law Group has set the standard for immigration attorneys in Orange County for nearly 10 years. The firm handles every aspect of immigration law, from establishing a path to citizenship to employment authorization and work visas. Fortunately for our new residents (and perhaps unfortunately for the board), they also serve the victims of crimes such as human trafficking find justice and safety in their new home.

Born from a career in criminal justice, the founder of the firm noticed a trend in the number of her clients having trouble keeping their immigration status legitimate. In order to help them not only stay out of trouble with the law, but also ensure they may stay safely in the country without having to resort to desperate measures, she created the firm to assist the non-citizens that need it most.

So, with our new friends’ legal status firmly established and protected by our county’s newest business partner, let me be the first to congratulate you all on making it here! I’m sure many of you will become avid readers of this publication! In the spirit of inclusiveness, I’ve decided to start looking into getting our gazette translated into the primary languages spoken by our new county residents.

Unfortunately, from the information I have gathered, there are roughly 20 new languages that have recently been introduced into Sanborn, so this might slow publication to once every year. That being said, stay tuned for next year’s issue, where we discuss the results of this week’s slam poetry finals!

If you’re interested in enlisting the service of our spotlighted company, please give them a call:

K Nair Law Group

(949) 493-4150

31897 Del Obispo St Suite 225, San Juan Capistrano, CA 92675


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EMERGENCY ALERT FOR SANBORNE COUNTY

This is not a drill, people. Sanborne County is facing the greatest crisis in our community’s history. I write to you now from a bunker I built in 1987 when I was convinced that the collapse of the Soviet Union was an elaborate ruse and the day of great nuclear hell fire cleansing would soon be upon us. Here I sit in the dark, my cat Whiskers my only companion as I ride out the current storm afflicting our nation. If you are still above ground, I recommend you take similar steps and flee, flee before the invaders come into your house and make it their own.

What is the emergency, you ask? Sanborne is being invaded by a swarm of perfidious and wrathful termites, hell-bent on taking our structures down, one at a time. I’m sitting in my bunker because my house is currently tented and my parents didn’t want me moving back in with them. They thought it would give me ideas and started complaining about kids today, despite the fact that I’m well past 50.

You may think I’m being hyperbolic, and if you do you should come say it to my face so that I may strike you. This publication does not condemn violence, whether it be to hordes of property destroying insects or doubters. Termites represent a very real threat not only to our property values but to our very lives, as they can easily reduce the strength of the load bearing support structures in your house, causing the whole thing to come crashing down on you.

Regardless, my house is the third one on this block that’s been infested, and the invasion shows no sign of slowing down. One by one, our homes are getting chewed up and spit out (or swallowed, I don’t really know how termites work) as the creatures multiply and spread. There won’t be a house left standing in the entire county within a couple of years if the invasion isn’t stopped.

Thankfully, it appears some help is on the way! A new business has appeared on the registrar in the past couple of weeks, and they could not have come at a better time. This company is, of course, Grand Oaks Termite Control, Pasadena’s finest exterminator.

Established in 2013 by a guy who had been working in the industry for 20 years and got fed up working for a bunch of crooks and thieves, Grand Oaks Termite Control prides itself on a level of thoroughness and customer service atypical of businesses in the industry. The company provides termite treatment in Pasadena, as well as a number of other extermination and pest prevention services to Glendora, San Dimas and all over the inland Los Angeles area. Luckily for us, they have also expanded their operations into the Sanborne County area.

If you find yourself in a situation like myself, where an overzealous cat knocks a small hole in your wall and suddenly the corpses of 100 termites pour out, take advantage of our county’s newest and brightest business. Have Justin and Gary give your house a visit and provide a free inspection.

Grand Oaks Termite Control

(626) 538-4156

110 S Worthy Dr, Glendora, CA 91741


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News Alert: Sanborn County Named 1st In Nation For Non-Fatal Accidents

Big news, readers! Our little community has made it into the papers!

Now, I know what you must be thinking: “Wait, that doesn’t sound like something we should be proud of.” Well, dear reader, I’m here to tell you that you may just not love our county enough if you don’t think that being ranked first in anything is an amazing event for us.

To give a small history lesson for all of you nonbelievers and naysayers out there, since the inception of our sleepy little piece of heaven, there’s only two other years that we’ve been nationally ranked in anything!

The first time all the way back in 1968 was when we were ranked #2 in number of hikers disappearing in our beautiful local hills. Ask any old timer and they’ll get a misty sheen in their eyes as they regale you about the media bonanza covering the manhunts as they fruitlessly scoured the countryside.

The second was in 1996 when farmer John found that pit full of human skeletons. His signature giant cucumber also won third place in the state fair! You can still visit his farm to see where the magic is made, but don’t expect him to reveal his secret gardening methods. He doesn’t talk much anymore.

Regardless, it’s undoubtedly a great thing to see the great Sanborn name in the news again. What may be somewhat less great is being part of the statistics that put us there in the first place!

If you’ve been injured in the workplace or due to negligence of another party, you may not be quite as upbeat about our new ranking as I am. That’s why we’ve decided to spotlight a new addition to our local litigation scene, Villasenor Law Offices.

Villasenor Law Offices got their start as the premier accident attorney in Carmel Mountain Ranch before opening a local branch in our neck of the woods. Chris Villasenor, the owner of the firm, has been operating in the field for over 25 years and has delivered some truly incredible results for his clients over the years.

Chris and his team have handled almost every type of personal injury case, including car, motorcycle, and bicycle accidents, so if you’ve gotten in a crash on the road and found yourself injured, this is the man that will get you taken care of. This is especially true if insurance companies are refusing to pay out claims, as he has spent much of his professional career dealing with the ins and outs of the insurance claimant system.

In closing, if you find yourself added to the list of injuries and contributing to our newfound national recognition, find some consolation in the fact that that same statistic has drawn some really powerful help to our community. There’s a personal injury attorney in Poway (and Sanborn County!) that can help you get the legal counsel you need to secure financial restitution.

If you’re interested in our featured business, please check them out and give them a call:

Villasenor Law Offices

(858) 707-7771

12396 World Trade Dr Ste 211, San Diego, CA 92128