Author Archives: LocalEditor

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Sanborn Op-Ed: Divorce Shmimorse

Welcome once again to our humble county rag!

Today we’ll be featuring an op-ed by a local county man who has been wanting to express the recent successes he’s had with one of our newest local business partners, McNamee Mediations, who has been practicing family law in Irvine and the greater Orange County area for quite a few years. Given the recent spat of divorces and separations due to the rather strange effects of the 5G towers, this man wanted to provide readers with an alternative to the usual path of horrific divorce proceedings.

“Hello. My name is Andrew. I have been a Sanborn resident my entire life. I was raised here by my dear mother, I found a loving wife here, my relationship fell apart here, and now I’ve successfully separated from her here.

It is my opinion that my ex-wife is a terrible person who tricked me for many years in order to get access to the great family wealth my dear mother has always bragged about. Well, unfortunately for her and our relationship, it appears that my dear mother was a huge liar who never had a penny to her name.

My Dear Mother

When my wife discovered this, and discovered that my dear mother was dead and gone for many years without her knowing, she decided that she was going to leave. I did not allow this for a long time, despite her trying to leave on many occasions. Finally, I decided that enough was enough, and I allowed for the proceedings of separation could go through.

Like many of your readers, we have accepted that divorce lawyers are not to used because they will gauge out your eyes and steal your soul. Instead, I decided to use a mediator, so that we could go our separate ways without either of our lives being totally degraded. My ex wife eventually accepted despite initial reservations.

We heard about the recent move of McNamee mediations, who had been practicing family mediation for their Orange County law practice for many years and have helped many people like me and my wife for many years. We called them up and set up an initial meeting right away.

My ex-wife’s room

They were very nice and very friendly. After some coaching, my wife and I were prepared for the usual slippery trickster talk that comes with talking with lawyers, but we received none of it. I was very happy about that, and my wife probably was, too, because she couldn’t stop crying.

It only took a month for the mediation to go through. We really had no belongings to distribute, but McNamee was very helpful in making sure what we had was given out equally. My wife did not ask for much. Once the separation was finalized, she was gone within minutes, taking only a small suitcase.

I am thankful for McNamee, because I have already moved on and have found a new very pretty lady. I am very hopeful for our future together.”

Thank you, Andrew! We’re happy you and your wife were able to find some solace in your separation, and I wish you luck in your new relationship! If you are interested in finding an alternative to a messy divorce, give our new neighbors at McNamee a call; you won’t regret it!

McNamee Mediations

(949) 223-3836

4590 MacArthur Blvd Ste 500 Irvine, CA 92612


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Sanborne County Announces Ban On Grass-Based Landscaping

Hello once again, Sanbornians! Wild news is coming out of the county board of commissioners – in an attempt to cut down on massive wildfires and help fight the dangers associated with global warming, the county has officially put a ban on all forms of grass for use in landscaping!

The county board, who was recently elected in an emergency vote after the previous board was wiped out to a man by the recent coronavirus epidemic, has a number of interesting characters on it. Paul Paulson, a local man, has just returned from years abroad working with the international organization Green Peace, and was last seen before his return to Sanborne in a YouTube video depicting the group firing upon a Japanese whaling vessel with small arms.

Another, Moonbeam TreeWhisp of the Forest Clan, previously known as Margaret Anderson, has been living in the local Sanborne Woods for the past 80 years. Records giving details of her birth no longer exist thanks to the great Arson Spree of 1953, and her given name was only found thanks to a great grand niece providing a picture to this humble publication. Strangely, her appearance has not changed at all since her departure into the wood, which has become famous over the years for the number of hikers disappearing into its depths, never to be seen again.

The board has dictated quite strict measures to ensure this ordnance is followed – any persons found in violation are to be arrested and brought to the local town square to be flogged. Community attendance of these corporal punishments is mandatory, with the punishment for truancy being arrest and public flogging. The punishment for continued violations have not been publicly disclosed, but reports of citizens being hustled off into the woods late at night by mysterious cloaked figures have begun popping up all over the county.

For those concerned citizens who are now wondering how they will maintain the verdant green yards they have been working for years to cultivate, we have some tips and pointers!

The local quarry has been increasing production since the government allowed the continuance of operations after they uncovered the ancient subterranean gateway. Workers have been helpfully provided with noise-cancelling headphones to block out the previously reported screams emanating from the mysterious artifact, and have been providing a great deal of colorful crushed rocks which can be used for yard cover with a tasteful mix of shrubbery and other greenery.

For a more modern solution, we recommend the use of artificial grass. Luckily, a new company has been added to the county directory which can help those of us who choose to hurriedly rip out our natural grass and make plans for an artificial turf installation as a substitute. That company is the southern California-based NoMow Turf, who has been providing Orange County residents with environmentally friendly alternatives to natural grass since 2005.

If you are looking to stay on the straight and narrow and NOT be publicly beaten, we highly recommend you check out our county’s newest business partner. Your family’s safety will be secured, and you won’t have to go without the green lawn you’ve grown to love.

No Mow Turf

(866) 679-4863

26674 Vista Terrace, Lake Forest, CA 92630


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5G Rollout in Sanborn County Ruled Complete Success By District Judge

Category : Divorce

Welcome back, Sanbornians! We’ve got some hot news today – after a year of being tied up in court, the district judge has declared that our friendly local cellular provider has been entirely exculpated in our county’s lawsuit against them for rolling out their 5G antennas without sufficient safety studies!

It all started when the cellular provider began switching their antennae online and local bird populations were immediately decimated. Just, falling straight out of the sky mid-wing flap. Considering our fair county’s previous problems with bird attacks and vast flocks of vultures periodically descending into the town, we all considered this a blessing. The opinion polls I put out during these invasions considered the large, dark birds lining the buildings and silently watching us to be ‘quite unsettling’.

Then came the random bouts of gibbering madness experienced by the people who lived and worked nearest to the cell towers. Very few deaths were reported from these rampages, but there was a significant level of property damage. The murals drawn on the sides of town buildings were in fact considered to be quite enriching!

What I think may have been the last straw for the county, however, was the complete destruction of all male resident’s fertility. Male residents initially complained of a strange and unpleasant tingling sensation, which eventually transformed into terrible agony before blissfully fading into a general numbness, at which point many of us grew quite doughy and indifferent.

Doctors observing the affected population called the condition, “complete testicular destruction” and caused quite a panic in everyone except the stricken population. Luckily for our cellular provider, the judge disagreed that the company was at fault and instead blamed our local water supply, leaving the victims and their family without any way of paying for treatment.

On a related note, just in time for the ruling, a new business has moved into the area to help with the sudden jump in marital problems – Shuff Law Firm, the premier family law firm of Santa Ana! The firm decided to open up a branch in our county just as the lawsuit was winding down and the gag order was lifted.

The good folks at Shuff Law Firm have been serving as attorneys in the Orange County area since 1974 and have provided countless clients exemplary legal service during the firm’s tenure. Originally run by the senior Shuff as the Law Offices of Joseph A. Shuff, III, the firm rebranded itself in 2006 as it brought aboard his daughter, Tamara, and expanded its operations. Regardless if you’re in the midst of a tough custody battle or are just in need of legal counsel for a potential separation, Shuff Law Firm can help you get the legal council you need to prevail.

So, if you’re in either our humble (and sterile) county or in the Santa Ana/Orange County area and are looking for the best family law attorney in the game right now, don’t hesitate to give Shuff Law Firm a call. You won’t regret it!

Shuff Law Firm

(714) 834-0175

2634, 2107 N Broadway #301, Santa Ana, CA 92706


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SANBORN COUNTY FORCIBLY IMPORTS THOUSANDS OF IMMIGRANTS IN NEW ECONOMIC INITIATIVE

Historic news, Sanbornians! As part of a nation-wide effort to settle tens of thousands of immigrants and refugees, the county board has taken the initiative and ensured that our little slice of America is shared with those new arrivals looking to take part in the American dream!

They primarily did this through various schemes and trickery, advertising our sleepy county as ‘the one where New York City/Los Angeles/Chicago is!’ Once the migrants were safely entrapped on our newly refurbished coach buses, there were no stops, breaks, or complaints about conditions allowed until they were unceremoniously dumped within county lines.

I’m sure you all have seen them: scared, confused strangers milling about on the street, many looking back and forth at postcards featuring gleaming skyscrapers and the dilapidated mills and factories that surround them with a consternated look on their faces. Coming to a new country sure can be a scary time, but I’m confident in our ability to make them feel welcome!

Now, some of the more ‘conservative’ citizens in our county may be questioning the legal status of these new Sanbornians, as well as the legality of our board’s methods in transporting them here in the first place. While the latter question may be currently being decided in a historically ugly court case, those members of the community concerned about the former can rest easy thanks to our newest business partner setting up shop in town!

K Nair Law Group has set the standard for immigration attorneys in Orange County for nearly 10 years. The firm handles every aspect of immigration law, from establishing a path to citizenship to employment authorization and work visas. Fortunately for our new residents (and perhaps unfortunately for the board), they also serve the victims of crimes such as human trafficking find justice and safety in their new home.

Born from a career in criminal justice, the founder of the firm noticed a trend in the number of her clients having trouble keeping their immigration status legitimate. In order to help them not only stay out of trouble with the law, but also ensure they may stay safely in the country without having to resort to desperate measures, she created the firm to assist the non-citizens that need it most.

So, with our new friends’ legal status firmly established and protected by our county’s newest business partner, let me be the first to congratulate you all on making it here! I’m sure many of you will become avid readers of this publication! In the spirit of inclusiveness, I’ve decided to start looking into getting our gazette translated into the primary languages spoken by our new county residents.

Unfortunately, from the information I have gathered, there are roughly 20 new languages that have recently been introduced into Sanborn, so this might slow publication to once every year. That being said, stay tuned for next year’s issue, where we discuss the results of this week’s slam poetry finals!

If you’re interested in enlisting the service of our spotlighted company, please give them a call:

K Nair Law Group

(949) 493-4150

31897 Del Obispo St Suite 225, San Juan Capistrano, CA 92675


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EMERGENCY ALERT FOR SANBORNE COUNTY

This is not a drill, people. Sanborne County is facing the greatest crisis in our community’s history. I write to you now from a bunker I built in 1987 when I was convinced that the collapse of the Soviet Union was an elaborate ruse and the day of great nuclear hell fire cleansing would soon be upon us. Here I sit in the dark, my cat Whiskers my only companion as I ride out the current storm afflicting our nation. If you are still above ground, I recommend you take similar steps and flee, flee before the invaders come into your house and make it their own.

What is the emergency, you ask? Sanborne is being invaded by a swarm of perfidious and wrathful termites, hell-bent on taking our structures down, one at a time. I’m sitting in my bunker because my house is currently tented and my parents didn’t want me moving back in with them. They thought it would give me ideas and started complaining about kids today, despite the fact that I’m well past 50.

You may think I’m being hyperbolic, and if you do you should come say it to my face so that I may strike you. This publication does not condemn violence, whether it be to hordes of property destroying insects or doubters. Termites represent a very real threat not only to our property values but to our very lives, as they can easily reduce the strength of the load bearing support structures in your house, causing the whole thing to come crashing down on you.

Regardless, my house is the third one on this block that’s been infested, and the invasion shows no sign of slowing down. One by one, our homes are getting chewed up and spit out (or swallowed, I don’t really know how termites work) as the creatures multiply and spread. There won’t be a house left standing in the entire county within a couple of years if the invasion isn’t stopped.

Thankfully, it appears some help is on the way! A new business has appeared on the registrar in the past couple of weeks, and they could not have come at a better time. This company is, of course, Grand Oaks Termite Control, Pasadena’s finest exterminator.

Established in 2013 by a guy who had been working in the industry for 20 years and got fed up working for a bunch of crooks and thieves, Grand Oaks Termite Control prides itself on a level of thoroughness and customer service atypical of businesses in the industry. The company provides termite treatment in Pasadena, as well as a number of other extermination and pest prevention services to Glendora, San Dimas and all over the inland Los Angeles area. Luckily for us, they have also expanded their operations into the Sanborne County area.

If you find yourself in a situation like myself, where an overzealous cat knocks a small hole in your wall and suddenly the corpses of 100 termites pour out, take advantage of our county’s newest and brightest business. Have Justin and Gary give your house a visit and provide a free inspection.

Grand Oaks Termite Control

(626) 538-4156

110 S Worthy Dr, Glendora, CA 91741


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News Alert: Sanborn County Named 1st In Nation For Non-Fatal Accidents

Big news, readers! Our little community has made it into the papers!

Now, I know what you must be thinking: “Wait, that doesn’t sound like something we should be proud of.” Well, dear reader, I’m here to tell you that you may just not love our county enough if you don’t think that being ranked first in anything is an amazing event for us.

To give a small history lesson for all of you nonbelievers and naysayers out there, since the inception of our sleepy little piece of heaven, there’s only two other years that we’ve been nationally ranked in anything!

The first time all the way back in 1968 was when we were ranked #2 in number of hikers disappearing in our beautiful local hills. Ask any old timer and they’ll get a misty sheen in their eyes as they regale you about the media bonanza covering the manhunts as they fruitlessly scoured the countryside.

The second was in 1996 when farmer John found that pit full of human skeletons. His signature giant cucumber also won third place in the state fair! You can still visit his farm to see where the magic is made, but don’t expect him to reveal his secret gardening methods. He doesn’t talk much anymore.

Regardless, it’s undoubtedly a great thing to see the great Sanborn name in the news again. What may be somewhat less great is being part of the statistics that put us there in the first place!

If you’ve been injured in the workplace or due to negligence of another party, you may not be quite as upbeat about our new ranking as I am. That’s why we’ve decided to spotlight a new addition to our local litigation scene, Villasenor Law Offices.

Villasenor Law Offices got their start as the premier accident attorney in Carmel Mountain Ranch before opening a local branch in our neck of the woods. Chris Villasenor, the owner of the firm, has been operating in the field for over 25 years and has delivered some truly incredible results for his clients over the years.

Chris and his team have handled almost every type of personal injury case, including car, motorcycle, and bicycle accidents, so if you’ve gotten in a crash on the road and found yourself injured, this is the man that will get you taken care of. This is especially true if insurance companies are refusing to pay out claims, as he has spent much of his professional career dealing with the ins and outs of the insurance claimant system.

In closing, if you find yourself added to the list of injuries and contributing to our newfound national recognition, find some consolation in the fact that that same statistic has drawn some really powerful help to our community. There’s a personal injury attorney in Poway (and Sanborn County!) that can help you get the legal counsel you need to secure financial restitution.

If you’re interested in our featured business, please check them out and give them a call:

Villasenor Law Offices

(858) 707-7771

12396 World Trade Dr Ste 211, San Diego, CA 92128