Welcome back, Sanbornians! We’ve got some hot news today – after a year of being tied up in court, the district judge has declared that our friendly local cellular provider has been entirely exculpated in our county’s lawsuit against them for rolling out their 5G antennas without sufficient safety studies!
It all started when the cellular provider began switching their antennae online and local bird populations were immediately decimated. Just, falling straight out of the sky mid-wing flap. Considering our fair county’s previous problems with bird attacks and vast flocks of vultures periodically descending into the town, we all considered this a blessing. The opinion polls I put out during these invasions considered the large, dark birds lining the buildings and silently watching us to be ‘quite unsettling’.
Then came the random bouts of gibbering madness experienced by the people who lived and worked nearest to the cell towers. Very few deaths were reported from these rampages, but there was a significant level of property damage. The murals drawn on the sides of town buildings were in fact considered to be quite enriching!
What I think may have been the last straw for the county, however, was the complete destruction of all male resident’s fertility. Male residents initially complained of a strange and unpleasant tingling sensation, which eventually transformed into terrible agony before blissfully fading into a general numbness, at which point many of us grew quite doughy and indifferent.
Doctors observing the affected population called the condition, “complete testicular destruction” and caused quite a panic in everyone except the stricken population. Luckily for our cellular provider, the judge disagreed that the company was at fault and instead blamed our local water supply, leaving the victims and their family without any way of paying for treatment.
On a related note, just in time for the ruling, a new business has moved into the area to help with the sudden jump in marital problems – Shuff Law Firm, the premier family law firm of Santa Ana! The firm decided to open up a branch in our county just as the lawsuit was winding down and the gag order was lifted.
The good folks at Shuff Law Firm have been serving as attorneys in the Orange County area since 1974 and have provided countless clients exemplary legal service during the firm’s tenure. Originally run by the senior Shuff as the Law Offices of Joseph A. Shuff, III, the firm rebranded itself in 2006 as it brought aboard his daughter, Tamara, and expanded its operations. Regardless if you’re in the midst of a tough custody battle or are just in need of legal counsel for a potential separation, Shuff Law Firm can help you get the legal council you need to prevail.
So, if you’re in either our humble (and sterile) county or in the Santa Ana/Orange County area and are looking for the best family law attorney in the game right now, don’t hesitate to give Shuff Law Firm a call. You won’t regret it!
Shuff Law Firm
2634, 2107 N Broadway #301, Santa Ana, CA 92706