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LIVE UPDATE!!: The Fires Of Sanborn Perdition

Hello and welcome to another exciting edition of our small town rag! Today we’re going to be covering the protests happening here in our own humble county of Sanborn!

What’s that you ask? Are these protests related to the ones happening nationwide as we speak?

No, these are some home-grown good old fashioned riots! Our mayor has once again been caught with the crack pipe and ordering his police chief to beat down his dealer for raising the price of goods.

The good citizens of Sanborn immediately organized into two competing camps, one who felt this obvious abuse of power was wrong and should be punished, the other in full support of his stance on the price of crack. Both sides immediately began burning everything that could not be easily looted, including cop cars and food trucks that were not serving what the agitated crowds were in the mood for.

Sanborn’s history is filled to the brim with riots and the use of fire as a political statement, as our towns have been razed to the ground on three separate occasions. One might compare our passionate citizenry to the Alexandrians of antiquity, who were so rambunctious they were considered an essential part of the city’s military capability!

Coincidentally, all three major blazes shared a cause: rampant malfeasance in our local polity’s office. Yes, mayoral corruption is indeed as dear a tradition to our county as rampant mob violence. We love our traditions, here!

This all has come at a very opportune time for the business and real estate owners in our county, as our newest business partner is offering a little protection from the inevitability of entropic violence. No, not the mob – they long gave up on our little corner of paradise.

I am, of course, talking about insurance! Specifically, the Santa Monica State Farm agent that everyone loves, Byron Galindo. He can insure your property, business, and life in the event of sudden and total chaotic violence breaking out, which, let’s face it, is pretty inevitable at this point.

Emotions are still running pretty high despite 5 straight days of pillaging. The competing factions in the town have hunkered down in their respective zones of control, with the Justice crowd singing and dancing in the streets and the Price Gouger group milling about alternating frenetically between destruction and cleaning interspersed with 17 hour naps in their dilapidated abandoned building of choice.

Once night descends, so too do the mobs to the contested zone comprising Main Street, with its beautiful historic buildings frequently falling prey to the unchecked id of the mob. The unknowing job creators are certainly making the janitorial and real estate firms rub their palms with glee, as they’ve been eyeing the location for quite a while for redevelopment. Goodbye beautiful locally owned shops and businesses, hello luxury high rise condos!

Luckily, you may be able to save your livelihood from the liveliness of the mob. Get insurance with Byron – seriously, just get insurance. The cops here have raised up the blue-striped flag and are randomly beating people rather than save the buildings from the rampage, so you’re probably going to need it.

Byron Galindo Insurance

(310) 823-5073

214 Pier Avenue Santa Monica, CA 90405-5423


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The Legacy Of A Great Mind

Life moves extremely fast, especially for those who achieve greatness. As a trailblazer, Steve Jobs left behind an enduring legacy in the world of business and entrepreneurship. In his lifetime, he accomplished a great deal, leading Apple on a course that made the company the first-ever trillion-dollar company. Apple still making incredible leaps to this very day, thanks to the innovations and contributions of Steve Jobs.

Semi-opened Laptop Computer Turned-on on Table

Sadly, he passed away due to pancreatic cancer in 2011. His death took place at the age of 56. Like all great planners and great minds, Jobs was prepared for what came after his time. When he passed away, he left his fortune to his wife Laurene Powell Jobs. Today, Forbes estimates his wife to be worth around $16.4 billion, making her the 56th richest person in the world. Jobs also left some of his fortunes to his daughter Lisa Brennan-Jobs, who shared a different mother from his three other children.

While not everyone might be the founder of such a fascinating company while leading such a complicated personal life, it is always important to be prepared—to arrange for who will see and receive what after you leave this world. When it comes to long-term planning of estate, wills, and trusts, it is best to get your affairs in order before it is too late.

Start by making sure that you establish a will. It is very important to have this document arranged and finalized before you proceed with all else.

Focus on building a succession plan. When you are no longer here, it is important that you leave the right people in charge of your estate. This means establishing a power of attorney by appointing the person that you believe will be the wisest and most responsible when making key decisions with major control over what you have left behind. 

Also, be sure to invest in the right kind of insurance both for your estate and for yourself. Life insurance and insurance for your business would be a wise investment.

Consider investing in a charitable trust, too. This can be an excellent way to make sure that your money can be used fairly and wisely, without worrying about it falling into the wrong hands. 

Take the time to organize all records on property ownership, business dealings, and financial transactions. The easier these are to find, the easier it is to ensure that everything will go as planned. 

In summary, ensure that you start with a will and work forward from there. Organize all important documents to make sure that everything planned will be carried out as intended. Doing this will provide you with peace of mind; you will pass on with the knowledge that every dollar shall be allocated according to your wishes.

That said, this article should not be taken as legal advice. We highly recommend consulting with a firm like Burris Law; their team of award-winning lawyers specializes in wills, trusts, and estate planning.

Burris Law
200 N Tustin Ave #110, Santa Ana, CA 92705, United States


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Beautifying the Sanborn Landscape!

Good morning, Sanbornians! Your ever-faithful reporter is BACK for another addition of this top selling county rag!

Today, we’re going to be talking about how to make Sanborn a little more beautiful, as many in our county are tired of what’s quickly becoming known as our ‘opioid crisis chic’ county aesthetic. Yes, rampant globalization has had its effects on the citizenry here and effectively destroyed most of our productive capacity, turning a once prosperous part of the country into a de facto shantytown, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have some pride in our appearance!

To these ends, a new company has decided to take our invitation (and substantial tax incentive) and set up shop in our humble little hamlet. That company is the Mission Hills-based Torrey Pines Landscaping Company, one of southern California’s premier landscape design and construction firms!

Just take a look at the Google review from Julie and Bob Engler, who utilized Torrey Pines for their landscaping projects in their La Jolla home:

Torrey Pines is the 4th company , starting over 10 years ago, we have had for landscapers.  We had two mow & blow companies, and one other professional company but weren’t happy.  TP fantastic.  Our site supervisor is a true horticulture expert, the employees have an educational 1/2 day every other week, we NEVER have to worry about anything and our 1 acre+ of landscaping is a joy and pleasure.  They just did a major needed driveway and retaining wall replacement; they are excellent hardscape contractors as well.  They asked to copy and paste the note I sent them, but it wasn’t sufficient to communicate the quality of their work. 

Hi Torrey Pines guys,

                Thank you for doing such a wonderful job on our wall, driveway, and landscape.  The replacement landscape is growing in beautifully.  We want to tell you how much we are enjoying how wonderful and professional it all looks.  Special thanks to Mark who suggested we get a bid and consider the project.  Please pass on our thanks to the crew who did such a wonderful job, especially the incredible brick work; a work of art.

Thank you,

Julie and Bob

If that doesn’t get you excited for a new exterior for your home, I don’t know what will! And to the 35% of Sanbornians who have been made homeless due to successive economic crises caused by repressive governmental policies and destructive trade agreements over the last 30 years, think of all of the gorgeous yards you get to squat in for the foreseeable future!

Many have been both surprised and frightened at the pace of rewilding of Sanborn since these mass evictions as well – the woods seem to overtake entire neighborhoods almost overnight. The more brave Sanbornians who still emerge from their homes at night have also noted that they can almost hear the plants growing, the sound of crackling wood and rustling vegetation growing so loud that they are overcome with a sense of overwhelming dread. To help fight back against the revenge of the forest, new landscapers are the perfect warriors!

If you’re interested in making your neighborhood just a little bit brighter and more beautiful and fighting back against the encroachment of the wood, give Torrey Pines a call. They may be your last chance!

Torrey Pines Landscaping Company

(858) 454-1433

5560 Eastgate Mall, San Diego, CA 92121


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A Quick Business Review

Hello fellow Sanbornians! How are we all doing during the quarantine?

Seeing as everyone has been locked down in their houses, there doesn’t seem to be much to report on these days! There is the ghastly howling that has been reported to come from the woods at midnight, but that has been happening for months and isn’t exactly what I would call ‘newsworthy’!

So instead I’m going to focus on one of our newest Sanborn county business partners that just so happened to open up shop before the current situation. No, they did not bring the disease with them, but what they did bring was final salvation for our most treasured housing fixture: our carpets!

Introducing Renewed Carpet Care!

The Orange Country-based carpet cleaner business can renew the decrepit shag that our community seems to enjoy so much. Whether covered in mud or dried blood, these guys can get your old ratty rug looking as if it were brand new.

Some of their clients from their Orange County branch have this to say about Renewed Carpet Care and its owner, Stephen Otis, including Lisa B.’s review here from yelp:

“Stephen Otis from Renewed Carpet Care showed up on time, was professional, friendly, courteous, fair priced and worked hard to get out stains as it has been 4 years since our last carpet cleaning. As the stains needed extra work it did not dry in 1-2 hours, but with ceiling fan on the bedroom will be dry to sleep in.

We have two dogs so I was pleased that the cleaning is safe for Family and Pets. Stephen is also certified, licensed and insured and I highly recommend their pet odor deodorizer, it has a clean laundry smell?

According to Stephen, carpets with a family and pets last about 10 years. My carpet is older and it looks like with Stephen’s service we can keep going for more years. Don’t be afraid to ask him to touch up less expensive rugs as he gave us a fair price and they look great! Our sectional couch was also cleaned and if you have dogs that scratch their backs, back and forth, on the skirts you need to call Stephen at Renewed Carpet Care!”

Echoing these sentiments, Jennifer from Yelp details her experience with the cleaners here:

“I reached out to Stephen after we got a door hang tag advertisement.  I was very pleased that he totally honored the price and gave me a reasonable quote on the additional pieces I wanted cleaned.  My family room furniture hasn’t looked this good since I bought it 4 years ago!  He was prompt and completed all 4 pieces in less than 2 hours which included working double-duty on an old stain on one of the couch cushions.  He almost got it completely out too!  I was stunned.  I would not hesitate to use Stephen again and would recommend him to anyone.  You won’t be sorry for doing business with Renewed Carpet Care.”

So Sanbornians, if your shag is looking pretty drab, look no farther than the new county business partner, Renewed Carpet Care! They’ll clean any rug-based mess, NO QUESTIONS ASKED!

Renewed Carpet Care

(949) 434-1151


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Sanborn Op-Ed: Divorce Shmimorse

Welcome once again to our humble county rag!

Today we’ll be featuring an op-ed by a local county man who has been wanting to express the recent successes he’s had with one of our newest local business partners, McNamee Mediations, who has been practicing family law in Irvine and the greater Orange County area for quite a few years. Given the recent spat of divorces and separations due to the rather strange effects of the 5G towers, this man wanted to provide readers with an alternative to the usual path of horrific divorce proceedings.

“Hello. My name is Andrew. I have been a Sanborn resident my entire life. I was raised here by my dear mother, I found a loving wife here, my relationship fell apart here, and now I’ve successfully separated from her here.

It is my opinion that my ex-wife is a terrible person who tricked me for many years in order to get access to the great family wealth my dear mother has always bragged about. Well, unfortunately for her and our relationship, it appears that my dear mother was a huge liar who never had a penny to her name.

My Dear Mother

When my wife discovered this, and discovered that my dear mother was dead and gone for many years without her knowing, she decided that she was going to leave. I did not allow this for a long time, despite her trying to leave on many occasions. Finally, I decided that enough was enough, and I allowed for the proceedings of separation could go through.

Like many of your readers, we have accepted that divorce lawyers are not to used because they will gauge out your eyes and steal your soul. Instead, I decided to use a mediator, so that we could go our separate ways without either of our lives being totally degraded. My ex wife eventually accepted despite initial reservations.

We heard about the recent move of McNamee mediations, who had been practicing family mediation for their Orange County law practice for many years and have helped many people like me and my wife for many years. We called them up and set up an initial meeting right away.

My ex-wife’s room

They were very nice and very friendly. After some coaching, my wife and I were prepared for the usual slippery trickster talk that comes with talking with lawyers, but we received none of it. I was very happy about that, and my wife probably was, too, because she couldn’t stop crying.

It only took a month for the mediation to go through. We really had no belongings to distribute, but McNamee was very helpful in making sure what we had was given out equally. My wife did not ask for much. Once the separation was finalized, she was gone within minutes, taking only a small suitcase.

I am thankful for McNamee, because I have already moved on and have found a new very pretty lady. I am very hopeful for our future together.”

Thank you, Andrew! We’re happy you and your wife were able to find some solace in your separation, and I wish you luck in your new relationship! If you are interested in finding an alternative to a messy divorce, give our new neighbors at McNamee a call; you won’t regret it!

McNamee Mediations

(949) 223-3836

4590 MacArthur Blvd Ste 500 Irvine, CA 92612


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Sanborne County Announces Ban On Grass-Based Landscaping

Hello once again, Sanbornians! Wild news is coming out of the county board of commissioners – in an attempt to cut down on massive wildfires and help fight the dangers associated with global warming, the county has officially put a ban on all forms of grass for use in landscaping!

The county board, who was recently elected in an emergency vote after the previous board was wiped out to a man by the recent coronavirus epidemic, has a number of interesting characters on it. Paul Paulson, a local man, has just returned from years abroad working with the international organization Green Peace, and was last seen before his return to Sanborne in a YouTube video depicting the group firing upon a Japanese whaling vessel with small arms.

Another, Moonbeam TreeWhisp of the Forest Clan, previously known as Margaret Anderson, has been living in the local Sanborne Woods for the past 80 years. Records giving details of her birth no longer exist thanks to the great Arson Spree of 1953, and her given name was only found thanks to a great grand niece providing a picture to this humble publication. Strangely, her appearance has not changed at all since her departure into the wood, which has become famous over the years for the number of hikers disappearing into its depths, never to be seen again.

The board has dictated quite strict measures to ensure this ordnance is followed – any persons found in violation are to be arrested and brought to the local town square to be flogged. Community attendance of these corporal punishments is mandatory, with the punishment for truancy being arrest and public flogging. The punishment for continued violations have not been publicly disclosed, but reports of citizens being hustled off into the woods late at night by mysterious cloaked figures have begun popping up all over the county.

For those concerned citizens who are now wondering how they will maintain the verdant green yards they have been working for years to cultivate, we have some tips and pointers!

The local quarry has been increasing production since the government allowed the continuance of operations after they uncovered the ancient subterranean gateway. Workers have been helpfully provided with noise-cancelling headphones to block out the previously reported screams emanating from the mysterious artifact, and have been providing a great deal of colorful crushed rocks which can be used for yard cover with a tasteful mix of shrubbery and other greenery.

For a more modern solution, we recommend the use of artificial grass. Luckily, a new company has been added to the county directory which can help those of us who choose to hurriedly rip out our natural grass and make plans for an artificial turf installation as a substitute. That company is the southern California-based NoMow Turf, who has been providing Orange County residents with environmentally friendly alternatives to natural grass since 2005.

If you are looking to stay on the straight and narrow and NOT be publicly beaten, we highly recommend you check out our county’s newest business partner. Your family’s safety will be secured, and you won’t have to go without the green lawn you’ve grown to love.

No Mow Turf

(866) 679-4863

26674 Vista Terrace, Lake Forest, CA 92630


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5G Rollout in Sanborn County Ruled Complete Success By District Judge

Category : Divorce

Welcome back, Sanbornians! We’ve got some hot news today – after a year of being tied up in court, the district judge has declared that our friendly local cellular provider has been entirely exculpated in our county’s lawsuit against them for rolling out their 5G antennas without sufficient safety studies!

It all started when the cellular provider began switching their antennae online and local bird populations were immediately decimated. Just, falling straight out of the sky mid-wing flap. Considering our fair county’s previous problems with bird attacks and vast flocks of vultures periodically descending into the town, we all considered this a blessing. The opinion polls I put out during these invasions considered the large, dark birds lining the buildings and silently watching us to be ‘quite unsettling’.

Then came the random bouts of gibbering madness experienced by the people who lived and worked nearest to the cell towers. Very few deaths were reported from these rampages, but there was a significant level of property damage. The murals drawn on the sides of town buildings were in fact considered to be quite enriching!

What I think may have been the last straw for the county, however, was the complete destruction of all male resident’s fertility. Male residents initially complained of a strange and unpleasant tingling sensation, which eventually transformed into terrible agony before blissfully fading into a general numbness, at which point many of us grew quite doughy and indifferent.

Doctors observing the affected population called the condition, “complete testicular destruction” and caused quite a panic in everyone except the stricken population. Luckily for our cellular provider, the judge disagreed that the company was at fault and instead blamed our local water supply, leaving the victims and their family without any way of paying for treatment.

On a related note, just in time for the ruling, a new business has moved into the area to help with the sudden jump in marital problems – Shuff Law Firm, the premier family law firm of Santa Ana! The firm decided to open up a branch in our county just as the lawsuit was winding down and the gag order was lifted.

The good folks at Shuff Law Firm have been serving as attorneys in the Orange County area since 1974 and have provided countless clients exemplary legal service during the firm’s tenure. Originally run by the senior Shuff as the Law Offices of Joseph A. Shuff, III, the firm rebranded itself in 2006 as it brought aboard his daughter, Tamara, and expanded its operations. Regardless if you’re in the midst of a tough custody battle or are just in need of legal counsel for a potential separation, Shuff Law Firm can help you get the legal council you need to prevail.

So, if you’re in either our humble (and sterile) county or in the Santa Ana/Orange County area and are looking for the best family law attorney in the game right now, don’t hesitate to give Shuff Law Firm a call. You won’t regret it!

Shuff Law Firm

(714) 834-0175

2634, 2107 N Broadway #301, Santa Ana, CA 92706


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Creativity In The Workplace

The nature of work has been completely revolutionized over the last mere decade. The way we work has evolved to prioritize the well-being of the human mind and body and fostering collaboration and productivity. Work-life balance, burnout, and mental health have become primary topics as of late.

We typically think of cool, modern, and hip millennialism when we think of the “anti-cubicle” philosophy and attitude of work. Silicon Valley tech giants like Google were the first to popularize open and creative office spaces. However, the concept was invented before cubicles.

American architect Frank Lloyd Wright was known for his beautiful open concept homes and offices. He felt that physical barriers were oppressive. “Boxes are fascist,” Wright once noted. He famously and meticulously designed an open office with employees sitting at their own desks with plenty of space between one another. For the managers, Wright had private offices built on an upper mezzanine.

In 1960, Herman Miller created a corporation dedicated to furniture research. It was he who was the first to create the office cubicle. The cubicle became a cost-effective and convenient way to create organization and separation, which is a benefit that still holds true today.

Wright’s idea became copied and renditioned into the many open offices we see today, but without his genius. The problem wasn’t that the open office concept is flawed, but that companies did not take creative design into consideration when assembling the spaces. They simply assumed that arranging desks and chairs of any kind on an open floor would achieve the same result as Wright.

Open floor offices are thought to foster ease of communication. However, this intention doesn’t seem to serve an actual need. In fact, studies have shown that open offices may be overrated. Employees don’t feel as though physical separation prevents them from interacting with one another. It was discovered that employees were frustrated by the lack of noise and visual privacy. Although visibility and transparency are key to any workplace, a lack of privacy and structure can promote feelings of anxiety and hopelessness.

Before you design your new office layout, speak with your employees to get a sense of the environment that they would ideally thrive in. Instead of choosing a layout based on its popularity or trendiness, take your employees’ suggestions into real consideration. Studies suggest that the open office trend promotes a false sense of productivity.

Office furniture such as cubicles, desks, tables, and chairs don’t have to be boring. You can revamp your office affordably by purchasing used office furniture from Creative Office Furniture, based in Los Angeles and Orange County. They offer a wide selection of office furniture and interior services along at competitive prices.

You can visit the Office Furniture Design showroom in Los Angeles. Their services include space planning, furniture configuration and relocations, custom woodwork, and custom refinishing. Their catalog includes new, used, and refurbished furniture.

You can give them a call to book an appointment at their showroom.

Creative Office Design
5230 Pacific Concourse Dr #105, Los Angeles, CA 90045, United States


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SANBORN COUNTY FORCIBLY IMPORTS THOUSANDS OF IMMIGRANTS IN NEW ECONOMIC INITIATIVE

Historic news, Sanbornians! As part of a nation-wide effort to settle tens of thousands of immigrants and refugees, the county board has taken the initiative and ensured that our little slice of America is shared with those new arrivals looking to take part in the American dream!

They primarily did this through various schemes and trickery, advertising our sleepy county as ‘the one where New York City/Los Angeles/Chicago is!’ Once the migrants were safely entrapped on our newly refurbished coach buses, there were no stops, breaks, or complaints about conditions allowed until they were unceremoniously dumped within county lines.

I’m sure you all have seen them: scared, confused strangers milling about on the street, many looking back and forth at postcards featuring gleaming skyscrapers and the dilapidated mills and factories that surround them with a consternated look on their faces. Coming to a new country sure can be a scary time, but I’m confident in our ability to make them feel welcome!

Now, some of the more ‘conservative’ citizens in our county may be questioning the legal status of these new Sanbornians, as well as the legality of our board’s methods in transporting them here in the first place. While the latter question may be currently being decided in a historically ugly court case, those members of the community concerned about the former can rest easy thanks to our newest business partner setting up shop in town!

K Nair Law Group has set the standard for immigration attorneys in Orange County for nearly 10 years. The firm handles every aspect of immigration law, from establishing a path to citizenship to employment authorization and work visas. Fortunately for our new residents (and perhaps unfortunately for the board), they also serve the victims of crimes such as human trafficking find justice and safety in their new home.

Born from a career in criminal justice, the founder of the firm noticed a trend in the number of her clients having trouble keeping their immigration status legitimate. In order to help them not only stay out of trouble with the law, but also ensure they may stay safely in the country without having to resort to desperate measures, she created the firm to assist the non-citizens that need it most.

So, with our new friends’ legal status firmly established and protected by our county’s newest business partner, let me be the first to congratulate you all on making it here! I’m sure many of you will become avid readers of this publication! In the spirit of inclusiveness, I’ve decided to start looking into getting our gazette translated into the primary languages spoken by our new county residents.

Unfortunately, from the information I have gathered, there are roughly 20 new languages that have recently been introduced into Sanborn, so this might slow publication to once every year. That being said, stay tuned for next year’s issue, where we discuss the results of this week’s slam poetry finals!

If you’re interested in enlisting the service of our spotlighted company, please give them a call:

K Nair Law Group

(949) 493-4150

31897 Del Obispo St Suite 225, San Juan Capistrano, CA 92675


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EMERGENCY ALERT FOR SANBORNE COUNTY

This is not a drill, people. Sanborne County is facing the greatest crisis in our community’s history. I write to you now from a bunker I built in 1987 when I was convinced that the collapse of the Soviet Union was an elaborate ruse and the day of great nuclear hell fire cleansing would soon be upon us. Here I sit in the dark, my cat Whiskers my only companion as I ride out the current storm afflicting our nation. If you are still above ground, I recommend you take similar steps and flee, flee before the invaders come into your house and make it their own.

What is the emergency, you ask? Sanborne is being invaded by a swarm of perfidious and wrathful termites, hell-bent on taking our structures down, one at a time. I’m sitting in my bunker because my house is currently tented and my parents didn’t want me moving back in with them. They thought it would give me ideas and started complaining about kids today, despite the fact that I’m well past 50.

You may think I’m being hyperbolic, and if you do you should come say it to my face so that I may strike you. This publication does not condemn violence, whether it be to hordes of property destroying insects or doubters. Termites represent a very real threat not only to our property values but to our very lives, as they can easily reduce the strength of the load bearing support structures in your house, causing the whole thing to come crashing down on you.

Regardless, my house is the third one on this block that’s been infested, and the invasion shows no sign of slowing down. One by one, our homes are getting chewed up and spit out (or swallowed, I don’t really know how termites work) as the creatures multiply and spread. There won’t be a house left standing in the entire county within a couple of years if the invasion isn’t stopped.

Thankfully, it appears some help is on the way! A new business has appeared on the registrar in the past couple of weeks, and they could not have come at a better time. This company is, of course, Grand Oaks Termite Control, Pasadena’s finest exterminator.

Established in 2013 by a guy who had been working in the industry for 20 years and got fed up working for a bunch of crooks and thieves, Grand Oaks Termite Control prides itself on a level of thoroughness and customer service atypical of businesses in the industry. The company provides termite treatment in Pasadena, as well as a number of other extermination and pest prevention services to Glendora, San Dimas and all over the inland Los Angeles area. Luckily for us, they have also expanded their operations into the Sanborne County area.

If you find yourself in a situation like myself, where an overzealous cat knocks a small hole in your wall and suddenly the corpses of 100 termites pour out, take advantage of our county’s newest and brightest business. Have Justin and Gary give your house a visit and provide a free inspection.

Grand Oaks Termite Control

(626) 538-4156

110 S Worthy Dr, Glendora, CA 91741